Monday, November 10, 2008

My Little Love

I thought I should officially introduce Kate, as I have been thinking that my blog would be infinitely more cheery with a photo or two of my little love. I know that I can be gloomy (especially lately), but I assure you that I am not always that way. I do my best to keep my neurotic tendencies at bay when Kate is around; I don't always succeed, but I do my best and I'm working on it.

Kate, of course, is a huge part of the reason that I am trying to work through some old issues, which have reappeared in my life after having had a hiatus. I felt great for quite a while after Kate's birth, but in the last seven or eight months, I've been experiencing some of my old negative thought processes again. Who knows why exactly. It's probably a combination of a few factors: some difficult life circumstances from long ago and from the recent past, which have not been fully dealt with; Kate getting older and becoming more independent, thereby freeing up time for me to think more about myself; and dissatisfaction with the condition of my body. I want to be more at peace with myself not only for my sake, but for Kate's as well. She is the one person who really provides me with the motivation I need to work at being happier with who I am. So, without further ado, here is Kate.

She amazes me with her intelligence, she makes me laugh, makes me proud, makes my heart melt, and makes me want to pull my hair out, all on a daily basis. I love her more than I can tell you, and I worry that I'm going to fail her somehow, despite how much I love her. I am going to do everything I can to avoid failing her in some huge and permanently damaging way. I have so many doubts about my parenting skills, but I know one thing for sure--Kate will never have to doubt how much I love her. I will be telling and showing her, for the rest of my life, that I love her, and that nothing will ever change that.


Wordgirl said...
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Wordgirl said...

Oh my goodness SHANNON -- she is soooo beautiful -- and full of life -- loook at that smile -- clearly you are a wonderful parent -- you can see the joy emanating from that little girl.

So much of this post spoke to me -- working through earlier trauma, finding peace with my physical self thing I've truly found was that between some professional help and then finding a steady outlet in physical activity -- it has helped immeasurably. All I can say is what's worked for me -- when I was truly low I found yoga -- the gentle movements, the quiet space where even if it was only once a week -- I could be with myself in a good space -- feeling like I was taking care of myself --it helped.

It took me a long time to be gentle with myself -- and I hope you'll be gentle with yourself.

I'm going to look at a photo of Kate again before I go -- that, by the way, is one of my all time favorite names!



Wordgirl said...

I double posted accidently so I deleted it -- OOPS!

tobacco brunette said...

I didn't realize you had a daughter - she is GORGEOUS. What a little cutie.

I understand the sentiments expressed in this post, but based on the way you wrote of your daughter - your love for her came through loud and clear and unconditional - I can't imagine that you will fail her.

I agree with Wordgirl - love the name Kate. It's a classic.

Wordgirl said...

Hi Shannon,

I've been thinking of you lately -- you haven't posted in a while...and I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts as well -- I know that you are a friend of Emilie's and this must be a difficult time for you. If I can do anything please email me.



Shannon said...

Thank you very much, Pam.

I've been thinking about you, too. I was hoping, along with your other readers, that Santa was going to grant you your wish--I'm sorry that didn't happen. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you and your husband as you start the next phase of your journey.

Thanks again.