Monday, November 10, 2008

My Little Love

I thought I should officially introduce Kate, as I have been thinking that my blog would be infinitely more cheery with a photo or two of my little love. I know that I can be gloomy (especially lately), but I assure you that I am not always that way. I do my best to keep my neurotic tendencies at bay when Kate is around; I don't always succeed, but I do my best and I'm working on it.

Kate, of course, is a huge part of the reason that I am trying to work through some old issues, which have reappeared in my life after having had a hiatus. I felt great for quite a while after Kate's birth, but in the last seven or eight months, I've been experiencing some of my old negative thought processes again. Who knows why exactly. It's probably a combination of a few factors: some difficult life circumstances from long ago and from the recent past, which have not been fully dealt with; Kate getting older and becoming more independent, thereby freeing up time for me to think more about myself; and dissatisfaction with the condition of my body. I want to be more at peace with myself not only for my sake, but for Kate's as well. She is the one person who really provides me with the motivation I need to work at being happier with who I am. So, without further ado, here is Kate.




She amazes me with her intelligence, she makes me laugh, makes me proud, makes my heart melt, and makes me want to pull my hair out, all on a daily basis. I love her more than I can tell you, and I worry that I'm going to fail her somehow, despite how much I love her. I am going to do everything I can to avoid failing her in some huge and permanently damaging way. I have so many doubts about my parenting skills, but I know one thing for sure--Kate will never have to doubt how much I love her. I will be telling and showing her, for the rest of my life, that I love her, and that nothing will ever change that.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Wild and Precious Life

I have been taking a writing course for beginners, which is offered through The Loft Literary Center, for the last eight weeks, and last night my teacher introduced a new genre: poetry. I have felt some trepidation about all of the genres we've covered in class so far, as I have almost no writing experience, but poetry is especially intimidating for me. I'm entering into this brief overview of poetry with the preconception that I will not be capable of crafting a poem. Perhaps that will be the case, but whatever happens, I think I will enjoy knowing a minuscule amount more about poetry, and I'll enjoy reading the poems that my teacher provides as examples. Last night, my teacher read a Mary Oliver poem, which I have read before on a couple of other blogs. It's a moving poem. Its title isn't exactly fitting given today's weather in the Twin Cities, but the message is seasonless:

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

I think I may start repeating those last two lines to myself as a new mantra.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hello

Hello to those who know me and may be visiting for the first time. Yes, I have a blog (though I'm not exactly a prolific writer -- 13 posts in 11 months). I have been in the blogging closet, and I'm feeling panicked about being out, but I wanted to leave a comment on Emilie's blog today and she has changed her settings for comment posting, so I couldn't do it anonymously. At first, I thought I wouldn't leave a comment, and then I thought that perhaps there was another way around it, but after a while I realized that maybe Emilie had done me a favour. I mean, what is the point of having a blog if no one (well, almost no one) reads it, or knows it exists? I am a very private person, so having a blog, and now making it known that I have a blog, is a scary thing for me, but I figure it's about time that I take a step in the direction of letting people in. This is a small step in that direction.

If you know me and would like to tell me that you've found my blog, please do. On the other hand, if you would prefer to keep it to yourself for any reason, that's fine, too. I'm really not sure that revealing some of these personal things about myself is a positive thing; maybe some things should remain private. That's a reasonable opinion. I guess, for me, it's just about trying to be more authentic than I've been in the past. It's about being tired of keeping quiet and keeping secrets. I truly hope no one is offended by anything I've written thus far, and I hope that what I've written doesn't cost me any friends. I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, or what its real purpose is, but I can tell you what I'm thinking about it at this moment: I'm viewing it as a place where I can practice writing, and practice being honest about who I am. Hopefully, over time, I'll get better at both.